One of my all-time favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey on SNL is:

 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, ”God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ”Probably because of something you did.”

It’s hysterical because we would NEVER intentionally shame someone like that. It’s a powerful example of how 6 simple words can knock someone to their knees.

When I was about 6 years old, my sister and I were invited to our neighbor Lisa’s birthday party. The plan was everyone would meet outside her house and then together head over to a park. As my sister and I arrived, I overheard Lisa’s mom say to Lisa, someone should call the Zalesnes since they are always late. Yup – at 6 years old I was knocked to my knees by 10 simple words - never to be late again…

Of course, Lisa’s mom did not intend for me to hear her.  She was not trying to shame me. But shame I felt! It makes me think.  How often do I unintentionally shame someone? Not in the someone-overheard-me kind of way like Lisa’s mom, but rather a sharp or sarcastic response to someone. We all have past stories of when we felt deep shame. But how often are we the one doing the shaming – unintentionally changing the trajectory of someone’s life with a handful of words?

I can’t imagine anyone proudly raising their hand saying, “Yes! I am an excellent shamer!” But if so many of us feel shame – and recognize it’s among the worst emotions- why do we shame other people? 

When we put others down it can make us feel better about ourselves. It’s a toxic form of judgement, allowing us to feel superior. We see the other as less than and not worthy of our respect. There are lots of ways to shame someone such as sarcasm and using words of disgust. My personal go to is eye-rolling.

Humans are wired to desire connection. When we shame someone, we are threatening them with disconnection – letting them know that there is something about them that makes them not good enough for us to want to connect with them.

It’s probably our biggest fear as humans – “am I lovable?”

So how do we combat our instinct to shame others? I think it begins with pausing.

We need that moment to ask ourselves, “Do I really want to inflict pain on this person? Are my thoughts about them even true? How would I feel to be on the other side of the eye roll or sarcastic remark?” 

Step 1: Decide that you want to communicate differently.
Step 2: Notice when you are feeling heated, angry, frustrated, etc.
Step 3: PAUSE before communicating something that wouldn’t pass the shame test.
Step 4: Be more empathetic in the tough moments. And more intentional about how you make people feel.
Step 5: Be a better version of yourself :)
Step 6: Repeat over and over again because this stuff is hard!